A Twitter friend of mine recently wrote that people had mistaken his avatar’s birthday for his. A common mistake, I’m sure. His tweet on the subject, however, prompted me to respond with “Interesting new social question: How much ARE we our avatars?” Not surprisingly, his response came back “Hmm yes intriguing! And how much are we kidding ourselves… ?? Care to write a post on it? I know I will…”Honestly, the thought had never occurred to me, but then he’s much cleverer about these things than I am. So, in honor of the ‘non-birthday’ of @timbuckteeth, Steve’s avatar, I thought I’d give it a shot.
Before we delve too deep into this question, I should confess right up front that I’m a bit of a poser. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve enjoyed dressing up. Dolls bored me. Why dress up a bit of plastic when you have your own living, breathing mannequin as close as your own heartbeat? Remember dressing up? With a bit of fabric and a lot of imagination you could be anyone or anything. I still have a picture of a 6 year-old me, dressed only in a pair of white underwear and scarves tied around my ankles and wrists, dancing around the living room a la Isadora Duncan. (Tell anyone that and I may have to kill you.)
My point? (Yes, please let’s get back to that.) My point is that I was experimenting, even then, with alternate versions of ’self.’ As I got older, I developed passions for acting, singing, and, ultimately, the field of communication. Needless to say, I never lost my interest in fashion, glamour and vintage clothes. I have always loved having a body. I loved using it to express thoughts, feelings and ideas. I loved using it to understand others.
So, let’s fast forward to today and @timbuckteeth, Steve’s avatar. What is an avatar, really, but yet another way to play dress-up? And aren’t we playing dress-up all the time? Every day we make choices about how we want to be seen, both by others and by ourselves. We play with hairstyles, clothing, postures, facial expressions and any number of tools that broadcast a message about who we are. It’s a game for most of us. We can’t help it; it’s part of being human. In this light the question of avatars is not modern. Avatars are just one more manifestation of a habit as old as humankind itself.
OK, I can hear some of you now. You’re saying “No, I’m always myself.” Rightly so. But I have to ask: If this is true, why do we change our hair, change our clothing, bother with style and moderate our voices for different contexts? Why do we dress differently for different occasions? We do it to communicate a different message about ourselves. I put on a suit to communicate that I understand the business context and can play the game. I put on a little black dress and pearls to show respect to a person, situation or institution. At a party I’m OK with sitting on the floor, legs all over the place, but I’d never do it at work. Have you ever met anyone who was exactly the same in all situations? Which begs the question: If we change ourselves regularly, who are we?
I’ve come to believe that the problem with this question lies in expecting a single answer. We aren’t one single “us.” We are complex, multifaceted and ever changing. It is human nature to constantly absorb information, learn new things, have experiences, and age. From situation to situation we want to communicate different aspects of ever evolving selves. Buddhists say “You can’t step twice in the same river.” The same goes for who we are. We can never, ever, be the same person twice, even if we want to be. It is a distinctly human gift that we can see ourselves, and others, change - moment to moment, situation to situation. And honestly, it can be such a kick. So go ahead: Try it. If you never have, let go of the idea that you are who you are. Give yourself more freedom to play. Wear something you’ve always wanted to. Identify more closely with your inner avatar. After all, it’s all just part of beautiful, complicated you.
Happy Birthday, @timbuckteeth. Give my love to Steve.
Alexandra
Update: Read Steve’s response at http://tinyurl.com/a8qmas
6 Responses
January 14th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Beautiful! Insightful. I’m touched by your ability to get at the heart of the matter. I wouldn’t add or subtract a thing but indulge me to bring up the lyric from ‘Me and my Shadow”…
Me and my shadow,
Strolling down the avenue,
Me and my shadow,
Not a soul to tell our troubles to . . .
And when it’s twelve o’clock,
We climb the stair,
We never knock,
For nobody’s there . . .
Just me and my shadow,
All alone and feelin’ blue . .
- ebear
January 14th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Ah, the shadow side… there’s another whole topic, yes? Or is it just the side of this topic we don’t talk about? A side we display only to ourselves, perhaps?
January 16th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I like your post, and I think we probably don’t have a disagreement, but I’d like to just point out something.
To me, being a human of integrity means being the same person with the same values in all situations. Different circumstances call for different dress, behaviour, language, what have you. But at the end of the day it’s important to never forget who you are and what you value.
Every day I want to know that today I behaved as a person that I respect. Every time I do something to compromise my values because at the time it was easier and more convenient, I feel a little worse about myself.
When it comes to my friends, I’d like to know that my friends are the same people that I trust and love all the time, not just sometimes. I’m not a big fan of lying and exaggeration: please don’t change your story to fit the occasion. Select the stories based on the ocasion, sure. But keep them honest.
For example: Someone might hang out with a bunch of Linux geeks and fit in by agreeing that Microsoft sucks. But later, at a business meeting, this same person might say that Microsoft software is okay. I don’t approve of this. I think one should be consistent. If you have an opinion that’s contrary to everyone else’s and you’re not comfortable standing up for it, then just don’t say anything.
I try to be aware that for someone people fitting in is a way of protecting themselves, and so I try to be accepting of some amount of two-facedness. But at the end of the day, the people I respect are the ones that have strong integrity and stand up for what they believe, even if it makes them unpopular.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Thank you. And yes, we don’t have a disagreement. Core values are very important, and one should know, and be true to, oneself at all times. I would hope that we can explore, and communicate, all the little aspects of ourselves without compromising these. To be true to ourselves, in my opinion, means doing both: being faithful to our core ‘truths’ and also not hiding our multi-faceted, multi-colored selves. In a healthy individual, surely they would not conflict? Somehow, it seems to me that hiding parts of ourselves (even from ourselves) is as disingenuous as telling different stories in different situations.
I appreciate YOUR honesty. Cheers!
May 22nd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Dear Alexandra, thank you for your blog. I love it I’ve just started reading, but I’m learning a lot already. Lately I’ve been finding myself thinking curious thoughts. Like yesterday I was thinking that in the universe there really is no up and down or Top or bottom and that spiritual teachers actually teach nothing, they just enable the ecstasy of surrender in their students. I have no idea where that came from. Can you sort out my thinking and tell me if this has anything to do with avatars ?
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:36 am
Hello, Tapa. I’m glad to hear you are reading, as it stimulates you in deep and meaningful ways. That is, in my opinion what spiritual teachers do. Or, at least, what healthy ones do. They offer you new ways of envisioning the world, and perhaps that does confuse our existing sense of reality and what is “right.” It is in this way we grow as people. And yes, this frame of mind does enable the ecstasy of surrender. Surrender from our established framework of understanding, allowing us to see the world in more complex and beautiful ways.
Perhaps that is what you mean when you question up and down and Top and bottom. For, as you know, in the Northern Hemisphere items fall towards the earth, and we call that the bottom. In the Southern Hemisphere they also fall into the earth, but in the totally opposite direction. So, which direction is Top, and which is bottom? I think it is important to think like this once in a while and see things from all angles.
As for Avatars, they give us the freedom to see ourselves in new ways. In that sense we learn to question our own personal ups and downs, our own inner sense of Top and bottom. It is a wonderful exercise to get at these issues again and again, and let these ideas come in many ways. That is, indeed, the most ecstatic of surrenders.
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